On Friday morning, he was in full-on withdrawal. He hadn’t slept at all the night before. He was now exhausted; even so, he could not lay still.
His legs were moving almost constantly, and when they weren’t, he was tossing and turning. I could see why they were offering him sleeping pills and tranquilizers—even that Suboxone. I often thought in those hours that he probably wished he was dead—he was suffering, and there was little he could do to stop it. Torture. That’s what it was—torture. I could not understand. Clearly, it was not his first time going through this. I wondered then and still do—“If an addict knows this outcome in advance—why would they ever use? Getting through all this pain was an accomplishment—why go back? It was insanity.”
I learned some years later that often an addict experiences euphoria so strong, that the urge to replicate it is stronger than the urge for sex. That’s powerful. But I also learned that many long-time addicts begin to experience a feeling of nothing—absolute nothing. I have tried to imagine what that might feel like, and in my condition with PTSD, anxiety, and depression, it is hard to fathom.
I don’t want to ever know how bad a person must be suffering, in order to obtain an obsession with feeling nothing—a feeling of nothingness. Their suffering must be horrible. Think about it, these humans are willing to risk everything to feel nothing. The feeling they are willing to die for is no feeling at all. Interesting, isn’t it? Paradoxical even?
#heroin #livinganddying #overdose
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